My name is Richard and I am a soapaholic ...

... there I’ve said it.

Now that’s out of the way, I want to have a moan about the quality of writing ( and, more importantly, plotting ) currently being displayed on BBC’s ‘Eastenders’.

I have to set out my allegiance first. I have been watching ‘Coronation Street’ since I was a kid and, in my opinion, it remains top of the soap heap in terms of acting, writing, comedy, tragedy –and plain enjoyment.

But, I do also follow ‘Eastenders’ – not as avidly, it must be said. And over the years it has had its peaks and troughs. Now, it’s not so much going through a trough – more the slough of despond.

For instance, yesterday we had the news that Martin – who runs a greengrocer’s stall on the market – had been asked to give a talk on healthy eating to pupils at his daughter’s primary school. (This is the person, of course, who can be seen regularly chomping his way through a massive fried breakfast in Cath’s Café!)

What conversation do you think took place between teacher and head for this to happen?

Head: “I think we really need to be telling the kids about healthy eating.”
Teacher: “What about Betty Smith’s mother, Dr Smith? She’s a nutritionist and would be ideal.”
Head: “No. I’ve got a better idea. We can ask Rebecca Fowler’s father. He works on a market stall selling fruit and veg – he can tell the kids all they need to know.”
Teacher: “Great idea. I’ll give him a call.”

The second mad storyline of the week is that Patrick – or one of the Five Hectors (don’t ask) – could be Denise’s long-lost father after she heard that they had once visited Montserrat where she was born. And, guess what, they just happen to live a few doors away from each other on Albert Square.
What are the odds, eh? They are up there with the chances of Crystal Palace winning the Premiership, FA Cup and the Champions League, twice, in successive years!

I could go on. For instance, the depiction of the health visitor who told Honey that she should have got rid of her downs syndrome baby must have set the cause of health visitors back decades.

Anyway, the upshot of this rant is that ‘Eastenders’ writers have lost the plot. Perhaps, they would be better off running a market stall.